Eight

Last night I couldn't sleep. Finally at three in the morning I decided to put some lotion with ebson salt on my legs, as they were hurting bad. It helped. I took more medicine. But nothing is a cure all. I had plans for today. I was really looking forward to hanging out with my sister. But I didn't know this, but I must of sabotaged myself. I do this, unknowingly, all the time. I hate it, I hate myself. I am so worried about sleeping through what I have planned, that I stay up all night, so I can't function the next day, and I HAVE to sleep, since I didn't sleep prior. It's so frustrating. I rarely make plans, or have things scheduled. But when I do, I have insomnia. So annoying! I have so much pain generally located in my legs, from my toes to to my hips, then my fingers to after my shoulder joints. And any time I eat, I get sick to my stomach. And with my orthostatic intolerance I am light headed most of my time awake, and have fainted several times from it. I am just fed up with this body of mine. All the pain. It's just not worth it. I have been having alot of suicidal feelings lately. And I am fighting with this. I am so hopeless that things wont or can't get better. There is no cure for this shit. And the medicine is only skiffing off the top of the pain. It barely makes a dent.

Seven

I know it has been a long time. Being well enough to write every day was a dream. I still have hope one day it will happen. I took a shower today. Beyond having ME/CFS I also have whats called POTS. And in said shower, I always have blood pooling in my legs. It's uncomfortable at best, and very painful other wise. I have a chair I sit on in the shower, that I use most of the shower. I only have energy to shower every 4 to 5 days. My hair gets gross closer to the next shower date. I wish there was an answer,to look clean, and smell clean. Because there are times when I don't do things, because I would need to shower first. And honestly, I don't have energy to shower and go to the dr. Or grocery shop in an electric cart. My day today has been really exhausting. I slept, and slept, till my dog woke me up to go potty. He does this really adorable thing, he pulls my covers off of me, and makes noises to wake me. It's adorable, but I feel bad he has learned to adapt to the new me. I really wish I wasn't this person I am today. I don't feel like I make a contribution to any one. I just take up air, and space. My poor husband, I feel the most sorry for. He does so much for me. And I am able to do so little for him.

Six

Yesterday was a bad sleepy tired fatigue day for me. I slept most of it. Then last night, even though I felt very sleepy, could NOT sleep till about four in the morning. My husband asks me every day before he leaves for work, what am I going to do today? It's difficult to hear that question, because it really makes me feel guilty that I cannot do much at all. He wishes I would engage in life again. I wish I could too. But the way he says it, makes it seem like I have a choice in the matter. I don't. I live day by day with what I can do. And mostly that involves sleeping, and being on the computer. When I am awake, but too fatigued to do anything. I lay on the couch, under a blanket, my mouse under  the blanket too. I can just scroll, and click on this or that. That is my life right now, and I accept it, because I have to. Fighting it only makes my fatigue and sleepiness worse. I haven't given up, I have just learned to live within what I can, I suppose.

Five

Today has been an abnormally better day for me. I was able to wake up, walk out side, and look at my plants. Then I made french toast. Granted I had to sit to do it, but I did it. Then after my husband left, I expected to fall asleep like I normally do. But today I managed to stay awake for a while longer. I surfed the internet, and facebook. I fell asleep around 2 and woke up close to 4. Now it's 7:30 pm and I am still awake. Which is a good thing. Yes I have been lounging on the couch, but sometimes, you have to just count the small victories in life.

Four

I am sorry I haven't been on. I started this project with the intent of doing this most days, however given the severity of my disease, it's not always possible to get on. I have been sleeping more often than not for a few weeks now. Not always sure why. If I have a sleepless night, I understand sleeping the day away. But when I can sleep all night, and most of the day, it's a bit unsettling. Today went like this. I woke up at 10:00 am, ate a bowl of oatmeal. I felt like I had a bit of energy this morning. So I walked down the stairs and out the back to see how my plants are doing. Surprised to see my watermelon are growing big. That's exciting to me. I came back inside after my short walk, and kissed Scott goodbye. I then just lounged on the couch, and surfed online. I eventually fell asleep about one. I woke back up at 3:30 pm, opened the back door for the dogs to go out, and went to the bathroom myself. Then I ate for lunch a bowl of cereal, Life to be exact. After I lounged again, looking online. I must have fallen back asleep, I woke up at 7:00 pm. I was having a rather bothersome dream about a cousin of mine, trying to kill me. So I was rather sweaty upon awaking. Now it's almost nine here, and I am still surfing online. It's all I can do for the most part. I am tired, still. And in some pain. Sometimes my pain is so much that I wish I could stop existing. I don't cry, haven't been able to in quite some time.I don't know why, but I think that I can't let it out, adds to my pain.  Anyways, that is all for now.

Three

Today consisted of - waking up early, 7:30ish. I had to pee, and then the dogs stated barking, so then I HAD to get up. I took them out, then pee, then let them back in. I went back and laid down. I wasn't able to fall back asleep quickly. My young nephew, who's been spending the night, came in about a half an hour later and asked if I could turn on TV for him. I did, and came back to bed, I fell asleep quickly this time. I was very out of it, my husband tried to wake me a few times, as did my nephew, but my body wasn't having it. My husband was finally able to wake me up, around 10:15 am, by lifting my whole body out of bed. I went to the bathroom, and with the help of my husband, I sat, and made pancakes for us all. Then I laid on the couch, and ate my own. I surfed online for the next hour or so, and then fell asleep. My nephew(s) watched tv while I napped on the couch. The next think I know, my front door swings wide open. It's their elder sister to pick them up. They leave, and I let out the dogs, go to the bathroom, and eat a banana for lunch. I let the dogs back in and go back to laying on the couch. Honestly from the high activity of having the boys the last few days my body is drained more so than normal, and I am in great pain. I lounge on the couch and surf the web. It's now 8:45 pm, and I am still on the couch. This is what my life has come down to. I need to get up to pee, but just don't have the energy to do so yet. The rest of the night will go like this; my husband will get home soon, within a half an hour from work. At this time he will prepare something for dinner. We will eat together on the couch, and watch a few tv shows, all while being on the laptops. Then all of the sudden it's 11:30 and my body cries for the bed. At that time I will go lay down, and fall asleep shortly, about midnight. All to wake up and do it all again.

Two

Last night I fell asleep nicely, but awoke at 3 am, was able to fall back asleep quickly.. But then woke again at 4.. Was awake until 5:30 am. Then woke up again at 7. Was up and even ate breakfast (made by  my husband). Laid on the couch, surfing face book until I fell asleep again at 8:30.. Now I am awake again at 10:00 am. I feel so tired, and I am sure sleep again is in my future. I let the dogs out and got myself a drink, as my hubby isn't here, I have to do things myself. I went to the bathroom, had lots of trouble peeing, I think possibly a kidney stone on the move. Now I am laying on the couch again, surfing facebook, and writing this post. I am in some pain, all over ache. But not sure what to do about it. I will write more later.