Eight

Last night I couldn't sleep. Finally at three in the morning I decided to put some lotion with ebson salt on my legs, as they were hurting bad. It helped. I took more medicine. But nothing is a cure all. I had plans for today. I was really looking forward to hanging out with my sister. But I didn't know this, but I must of sabotaged myself. I do this, unknowingly, all the time. I hate it, I hate myself. I am so worried about sleeping through what I have planned, that I stay up all night, so I can't function the next day, and I HAVE to sleep, since I didn't sleep prior. It's so frustrating. I rarely make plans, or have things scheduled. But when I do, I have insomnia. So annoying! I have so much pain generally located in my legs, from my toes to to my hips, then my fingers to after my shoulder joints. And any time I eat, I get sick to my stomach. And with my orthostatic intolerance I am light headed most of my time awake, and have fainted several times from it. I am just fed up with this body of mine. All the pain. It's just not worth it. I have been having alot of suicidal feelings lately. And I am fighting with this. I am so hopeless that things wont or can't get better. There is no cure for this shit. And the medicine is only skiffing off the top of the pain. It barely makes a dent.

Seven

I know it has been a long time. Being well enough to write every day was a dream. I still have hope one day it will happen. I took a shower today. Beyond having ME/CFS I also have whats called POTS. And in said shower, I always have blood pooling in my legs. It's uncomfortable at best, and very painful other wise. I have a chair I sit on in the shower, that I use most of the shower. I only have energy to shower every 4 to 5 days. My hair gets gross closer to the next shower date. I wish there was an answer,to look clean, and smell clean. Because there are times when I don't do things, because I would need to shower first. And honestly, I don't have energy to shower and go to the dr. Or grocery shop in an electric cart. My day today has been really exhausting. I slept, and slept, till my dog woke me up to go potty. He does this really adorable thing, he pulls my covers off of me, and makes noises to wake me. It's adorable, but I feel bad he has learned to adapt to the new me. I really wish I wasn't this person I am today. I don't feel like I make a contribution to any one. I just take up air, and space. My poor husband, I feel the most sorry for. He does so much for me. And I am able to do so little for him.