Eight

Last night I couldn't sleep. Finally at three in the morning I decided to put some lotion with ebson salt on my legs, as they were hurting bad. It helped. I took more medicine. But nothing is a cure all. I had plans for today. I was really looking forward to hanging out with my sister. But I didn't know this, but I must of sabotaged myself. I do this, unknowingly, all the time. I hate it, I hate myself. I am so worried about sleeping through what I have planned, that I stay up all night, so I can't function the next day, and I HAVE to sleep, since I didn't sleep prior. It's so frustrating. I rarely make plans, or have things scheduled. But when I do, I have insomnia. So annoying! I have so much pain generally located in my legs, from my toes to to my hips, then my fingers to after my shoulder joints. And any time I eat, I get sick to my stomach. And with my orthostatic intolerance I am light headed most of my time awake, and have fainted several times from it. I am just fed up with this body of mine. All the pain. It's just not worth it. I have been having alot of suicidal feelings lately. And I am fighting with this. I am so hopeless that things wont or can't get better. There is no cure for this shit. And the medicine is only skiffing off the top of the pain. It barely makes a dent.